I Am Here

i am here

I Am Here

It has been some time since I have posted and I am being gentle with myself about that…letting go and beginning again. I had another amazing trip to Thailand this winter with Jami (www.jamisieber.com) and a wonderful group of women. I always return from that trip with my heart all filled up; so many beautiful, welcoming, giving people. And of course the elephants and their graceful, magnificent energy…

I also return from that trip with a sense of lightness. The Thai people, in general, have a lightness about them. They play and laugh a lot, and they are very hard workers. There seems to be a nice balance, which I think is lacking in our culture. In Thai there is a saying, mai pen rai, which basically means ‘no problem’ or ‘no big deal’. Sort of like let go, begin again…or I don’t need to carry that any more…

One of the first couple of mornings I was in Thailand, I woke up with the clarity that I didn’t need to make any decisions about whether I would stay in Santa Fe, or move back east, that I could just be in Santa Fe for as long as I’m in Santa Fe. I realized that I had been expending so much energy on trying to figure out where I should be that I wasn’t being! I wasn’t living my life fully. I was putting very little effort into making connections here — why bother if I was going to move back east, right? But did I want to move back east? You get the picture! Exhausting! And then I was beginning to feel isolated, yet I was isolating myself, and creating an unhealthy situation. I was carrying a heavy load, and thankfully, in Thailand I realized I no longer need to carry that load.

So, my current view is that I want to be present and awake wherever I am. I have so much to be grateful for and so much to give. I do not want to squander my life. There is a reason that I came to NM and it has something to do with healing – my healing – on a really deep level. I am honoring this and will continue to care for myself, do the work I need to do, laugh and play – wherever I am. I am here.

 

let me respectfully remind you
life and death are of supreme importance
time passes swiftly
and opportunity is lost
let us awaken
awaken take heed
do not squander your life

(this is chanted at Upaya Zen Center)